| | while a disapointed lady said the person i look up to the most to give me the greadtes art opions said to me. for some one we gave the outstanding art award to im very disapointed she said this because i made a bottle that was assined to me and i didnt do my best on it and i didnt get into it and she thinks that arts doing get boring doing other art. after that i felt my hands pressing on my face and start to slide up and down and my months movied something like god im sorry.i then turned and walked away tried to work on the a other piece she asinded to me and couldnt do that eather so just siting there for some odd reason i begin to cry i wants sure if it was because it just felt right to well i did know one thing for sure is that i didnt want everyone to see me cring i hate people feeling sorry for me and finding out i cant handle my own problems. so i asked the teacher when she was busy so that she would not see me cring if i could use the bathroom so there i was siting in a bathroom stall cring nothing it was not going to help the face that she was disapointed in me and that i cant paint of draw like i use to. so i washed my face and headed out to figure out what the hell i was going to do to myself. i walking in the room knowing that i should work even if i dont feel it but i couldnt so i just put things away and waited tell the bell ring and when everyone else left i went up to her the first time i talked her after her confesing how disapoined she was in me. i told her i was sorry then when i wanted to say more the tears come back great i cring again because if feel its somthing i have to do i told her i was having problems with are the im afriad if i put more time into work then are i will losing all art skill not just my drawing and painting but my photography to. dear come if i lose my photography i will have nothing i told her all this as best i could but someing inside me knew that is not my im cring and that is not how im feeling but her what i want be feeling because i really dont know what i feel i say i feel this and that way but i dont. i came to a concusation when walking to my next class that im noone. im just what i think everyone wants me to be. people want me to be intersting so im intersing. others think of me as boring so that time im boring. im a cartoon a figment of what other want a person like me to be but all i want to me is me to know who iam.
my art is not me its just what i think people want me to do. that lady looks at my stuff now and says Amanada this is not you. and i just want to scream THE WHAT THE HELL IS ME!! EVERYONE SEEMS TO KNOW ME BUT MYSELF. WHO THE FUCK IS ME!!. but i dont want to get anger that is not want they want me to.
hell i dont know if im typeing this because people i know what to read it or if it really want i want to write what i want to feel.
mybe this is me.
i dont know all i know is that the only thing that is me is my cloths i ware those for me and noone one else i feel good in them
i think im dieing inside |
| | Posted 5/26/2005 6:12 PM - 1 View - 8 eProps - 4 comments
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